My homosexual agenda
6:30 am: Wake up to Fleet Foxes ringtone.
7:00 am: Drag lazy ass out of bed. Consider destroying institution of marriage.
7:05 am: Brush hair instead.
7:15 am: Get dressed. Zero percent flannel.
7:30 am: Make oatmeal. Strawberry flavored for extra gayness.
7:45 am: Drive to work.
8:00 am: Enter elevator, which if you think about it could be a vaginal metaphor, but I’d rather not think of it like that.
8:05-11:00 am: Paperwork, with extra-flamboyant mouse clicks. Oozing rainbows at this point.
11:00-11:30 am: Leadership team meeting. I’m the only gay in the room so of course I must…give my updates and take notes like anyone else, because my sexuality isn’t any more relevant than anyone else’s.
11:30am-noon: Surf Reddit.
noon-1:00 pm: Corrupt the innocent mind of my turkey sandwich and grapes. Surf Reddit.
1:00-5:00 pm: Paperwork, fully clothed and not making out with any hot ladies.
5:00 pm: Leave work, call best friend. Who is also a lady. Who likes dudes. And country music. The latter causes more friction (love you!).
7:00 pm: Clean owl cages. That is not a metaphor.
9:00 pm: Finally get around to attempting the destruction of the sanctity of marriage. As it turns out, crocheting a hat and eating ravioli have no effect on the sanctity of marriage.
10:30 pm: Tired from all this homosexuality. Should probably go to bed.
10:45 pm: Snuggle teddy bear and fall asleep.
Total children recruited into my sinful oatmeal-and-paperwork lifestyle: Zero.
Total vaginas ravaged: Zero.
Total marriages destroyed: Zero.
Total deities enraged: Zero.
I think I’m doing pretty well with this.