My homosexual agenda

6:30 am: Wake up to Fleet Foxes ringtone.

7:00 am: Drag lazy ass out of bed. Consider destroying institution of marriage.

7:05 am: Brush hair instead.

7:15 am: Get dressed. Zero percent flannel.

7:30 am: Make oatmeal. Strawberry flavored for extra gayness.

7:45 am: Drive to work.

8:00 am: Enter elevator, which if you think about it could be a vaginal metaphor, but I’d rather not think of it like that.

8:05-11:00 am: Paperwork, with extra-flamboyant mouse clicks. Oozing rainbows at this point.

11:00-11:30 am: Leadership team meeting. I’m the only gay in the room so of course I must…give my updates and take notes like anyone else, because my sexuality isn’t any more relevant than anyone else’s.

11:30am-noon: Surf Reddit.

noon-1:00 pm: Corrupt the innocent mind of my turkey sandwich and grapes. Surf Reddit.

1:00-5:00 pm: Paperwork, fully clothed and not making out with any hot ladies.

5:00 pm: Leave work, call best friend. Who is also a lady. Who likes dudes. And country music. The latter causes more friction (love you!).

7:00 pm: Clean owl cages. That is not a metaphor.

9:00 pm: Finally get around to attempting the destruction of the sanctity of marriage. As it turns out, crocheting a hat and eating ravioli have no effect on the sanctity of marriage.

10:30 pm: Tired from all this homosexuality. Should probably go to bed.

10:45 pm: Snuggle teddy bear and fall asleep.

Total children recruited into my sinful oatmeal-and-paperwork lifestyle: Zero.
Total vaginas ravaged: Zero.
Total marriages destroyed: Zero.
Total deities enraged: Zero.

I think I’m doing pretty well with this.

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Posted on 10 November 2011, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. I have no idea how private you consider this blog but if it’s okay I would love to “share” this, it is hysterical.

  2. Loved your agenda. May try gay oatmeal.

  3. I really, really think “let me clean your owl cage” and “I’m here to destroy your marriage” (with smiley face, of course) should be printed on t-shirts. I also think this clever riffing on the “homosexual agenda” idea needs to go viral because I can’t believe some politicians (er, entire parties) are trotting out that old trope STILL. Ugh. Unfortunately I don’t know how to make anything go viral except a head cold.

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